All Up In My Business

So, I started a business. Shhhhh... don't tell the IRS, but I'm selling handmade hats on the black market. Er, I mean, I'm selling them in a completely legal manner on the public website called Etsy. Shameless plug in 5..4..3..2..1...

http://www.etsy.com/shop/ReapWhatYouSew

Anyway, that's why I've been absent from the blogosphere for a while. Oh yeah, and because I have a 2 year old and a newborn! Good thing only 3 people read this blog. I'd hate to disappoint the masses.

Nothing really that interesting has happened, unless you count Christmas being a gigantic toy orgy in my living room. Besides that, my days are pretty much a rerun of the most boring episode of Little House on the Prairie. However, I did finally make it out into the wide world one day last week, and as usual, it was a memorable outing. It was memorable enough that I haven't left the house since. Literally.

So, I went to Walmart. Took way too long, spent way too much, and by the end of it, it was 1:15 and none of us had had lunch. Liberty was screaming her head off all the way to the car, so I decided that waiting to feed her wasn't an option... I was gonna have to whip out the boob in the Wallyworld parking lot. Luckily, I thought ahead to this possibility and parked in the lonelier section of the parking lot, near the garden center.

After settling Rory in the backseat with a few frosted animal crackers from my center console stash, I climbed into the front passenger seat with Liberty to attempt to feed her discreetly and quickly. I managed to get her "attached" without too much fussing, and so I thought, "oh, this won't be so bad after all."

So I thought.

Suddenly, an endless parade of elderly people began promenading past my car. I saw one man break off from the pack and start walking towards the car parked directly to my right... 3 feet from my exposed mammary. I already know what's going to happen.

You know how when you are driving, you just naturally look over to the other lane, to see if the other person is looking at you? And then you make this awkward eye contact with the other driver and you have to pretend you weren't checking them out? Well, you know you do the same thing to the car next to you in the parking lot. And it just happened to be this lucky man's day that there was a nursing mother parked next to him.

He.freaked.out. Started fumbling around like he'd never unlocked a car before, almost dropped the cigarette out of his mouth in the process. After finally scrambling into the car, he literally tried to drive away while looking out the other window of his car...

Is it really that upsetting to see a baby eating???

Then came victim #2, an unsuspecting middle aged man in a monster truck who parked directly in front of me. Had the tires on his truck not been 4 ft high, he probably could've escaped the money shot parked in front of him. No such luck. He managed to do a pretty classy "oh, what's this on the ground here? Oh, and this here? Strange how these cigarette butts on the ground are arranged in a trail, leading me directly to the store!"

By this time, I'm sweating like a maniac. I'm a nervous sweat-er anyway (remember CancelGate '09???), but besides that, Liberty and I were cuddled up on the sunny side of the car. Like an idiot, I decide to crack the window so I can get a breeze going. About this time, I see a Lincoln Towncar pulling into the space beside me. A blue haired lady is at the wheel, and as she shifts the car into park, I brace myself for the inevitable horror-filled reaction to my child's lunch.

If only I had been so lucky.

As the lady gingerly stepped out of her car, she caught sight of the Madonna and Child scene in the car next to her and gleefully scampers closer to get a better look! To MY horror, she... are you ready for this?... POKES HER HEAD OVER THE PARTIALLY ROLLED DOWN WINDOW and starts talking to me.

"Oh my MY! Well well WELL! Isn't that SWEET? I mean, really? Isn't that just the sweetest thing? Oh my my, well well well. Isn't HE just the sweetest thing! He sure is enjoying his snack, isn't he???"

***insert shocked smiley here***

All I could croak out was, "SHE............. uh huh."

She must have sensed my discomfort from the stuttering and sweating, so THANK GOD she quickly excused herself and skipped off to find another peep show, perhaps in the handicapped bathroom stall or Walmart pharmacy.


If it hadn't been for Rory popping her head between the front seats and exclaiming, "Mommy! I want pizza!" I might never have recovered. Realizing I still had motherly duties to do, I decided to drown my modesty sorrows in greasy pizza and Diet Dr. Pepper, so Rory, Liberty, My Shame, and I went across the street to Milano's for lunch.

During which Rory referred AT LEAST 17 times to "Who that lady talking in car???"